August and Fall 2008:

"Now that we have the house, senate, and oval office we're going to start killing the babies before they're even conceived!" -Andrew
"Liberals kill non-conceived children." -Me
"Inconceivable children?" -Beth
"Your children?!?! They're inconceivable." -Me
"I do not thing that word means what you think it means." -Beth

"She puts the Sodom in Gomorrah." -Me

"I'm going to give blood today." -Me
"I'd like to give the blood of my co-workers to the pavement." -Beth

"The little dog likes to get drunk...just like you." -Sarah to Auggie

"I'm Mexican so you can look but you can't touch." -Sarah to Auggie
"So wait. You're telling me that being Mexican is like being a stripper in the champagne room?" -Me

"You're clean-shaven and you have boobs. Awesome." -Me

"You're shiny. He's lackluster. But not Will. He's full of luster with a capital LUST." -Me

"And then he got out the K-Y and I was like put that away. I don't need that. I'm a fucking factory." -Jen

"If I can't hear me than no one else can so I gotta talk loud." -Amanda

"He's like a giant tote on the commuter train of life. You brought him along because he was useful, but then it starts hitting people and being in the way and you realize it doesn't match your shoes and you end up feeling embarrassed to have him along." -Me

Mom: "I can't vote for John McCain because of his chin. His chin looks like the one that guy from 'Family Guy' has...you know...the one that says giggity."

Beth: "they also say a penny saved is $3.95 in the ol' ballpark"

Beth: "I haven't gotten my 'you're married' paycheck yet."

Me: "I don't think you can make any random statement and put 'they say' in it unless people, en masse, generally say it.
Like you can't say 'well they say that's like the pot calling the sewing machine a dumbass.' It doesn't work that way."

JoBu: "That'd be like putting eight men..in a...box."

Bethie: “did I ever tell you that at our wedding shower I had way too much wine, and he was about to sit on a pair of scissors and I yelled, "no! I want babies!" in front of everyone? jon was like, ‘do you even know your anatomy? babies and butts are unrelated.’ well I couldn't see at what angle the scissors were approaching and I didn't want to take any chances.
despite being married, I don't always know the current formation of his testicles”
me: “hahahaha.13 degrees above sea-level?”
Bethie: “I'm getting a reading.....testicle A has moved slightly below testicle B....”

"I don't like moving because I feel like a transient." -Hendren

(on Amanda who has a drink in each hand) "That's my designated driver." -Nelson

(on the mini sunglasses attached to the boobs of my shirt) "Is it cold in here?" -Nelson
"No, it's bright." -Me

"It's the drinking, cussing, and eating like a man that makes me cool, but it's the addition of the boobs that makes me awesome." -Me

"I don't wanna deflate my boobs." -Hendren
"You could lose a few sizes and still be good." -Me
"How can you say that?" -Nelson
"Have you seen her? She has tits for days!" -Me

"I have silver hearts on my shoes and a silver gun over my heart." -Me

"Any night that I'm drinking there will be faces made. That's a guarantee." -JoBu

"You're a short cute version of me." -Jen
"You're a tall, cute version of me. Yay I'm tall." -Me

"Are we talking about crazy? Cause now we are." -Hendren

"I like how he brings up those as if they were inducements. Like I can be your wedding and reunion date?!? Hot damn I'm back baby!" -Me

"There's a fine line between full and miserable and I don't walk it well." -Hendren