2L: Second Semester

"It's a proverbial marriage where I get the bed and you get the sex." -Hendren

"I'm into skinnier men." -Hendren
"Then why did I turn you on before?" -Josh
"I didn't say you did." -Hendren

"I'm just taking what is rightfully mine." -Hendren

"I'm not gonna pull a Stephanie Quinn." -Hendren

"You left me three voicemails. I don't like that, it's kinda clingy. Now listen to them and delete them." -Hendren

"Quintessential has quint in it which means five, but we're not five, we're a pair." -Hendren

"I don't think you've met me but I think I'm a lot of things." -Hendren

"I don't know if you met my friend JBo, oh wait, you made out with her." -Hendren

"Boobs are proof that two is better than one." -Me

"Boys are stupid and good for nothing." -Natalie
"Not true. They're good for making me cum." -Amelia

"I have relations. I don't have relationships." -Hendren

"That's bad sexiquette." -Me

"I make promises I don't keep." -Hendren

"I think Morgan seems more sober than those two." -Me
"I don't think so. I just asked if those were bruises or chocolate on her arm and she didn't know." -Lisa

"I have a slit that looks like a vagina." -Hendren

"There's nothing wrong with Amandas. There's just something wrong with Amandas that aren't me. I set the standard." -Hendren

"What's this? (points to boob)" -Beth
"Coat." -Leen

"I'm not wearing underwearing." -Me

"Hi, I'm not wearing underwear." -Beth

"Boobs, tables, knees, and toes, knees and toes." -Beth

"I barely have time to fuck, let alone fuck with someone for fucking someone." -Me

"Fuck is the everyword." -Me

"Do you have a stapler in your bag?" -Lauren
"No, but I do carry a hacksaw." -Me

"I met a lawyer in TN who impersonated Elvis on the weekend."- Me
"Of course you did." -Stidd
"He looked like a bookie." -Me

"Are Elvis impersonators acting like Elvis or trying to be him?" -Prof. Mags
"It's a Hunka-Hunka-Burning question." -Me

"If Elvis has lived, maybe he would've gone into Rap." -Prof. Mags
"I was kind of thinking Baptist Ministry, but Rap works." -Stiddhartha

"Something smells like Hostess Ding-Dongs."-Me
"I don't even know what they smell like." -Stidd
"Like Yum." -Me

"If you decide to sleep with him, you need to get him tested first. This is a friendly Public Service Announcement: STDs don't make you new friends." -Me

"A director and movie staff just gives an actor the opportunity to be famous, but it's the actor's ability in his off-stage life to act like an asshole that makes him famous." -Me

"Ma'am it is apparent that you won't listen to reason." -Some Guy

TgDrIZzLe (1:54:19 PM): I hope his tea has cat urine in it

"Excuse me, where are your dow rods located?" -Me
"You mean those wooden stick things? They're o'er yonder." -Woman at Wal-Mart

"JBo, you're stern." -Amanda

"I told him that my mom said I couldn't dance with him and then she told me to go dance so I went back to him and told him that my mom said I could dance with him." -Nicole
"I would've asked if you wanted to stand on my feet." -Dan

"Guess what aspect of adulthood I went through this weekend?" -Stidd
"Aw, did you get your period?" -Graham

"They were not good." -Me
"They ain't the fucking Yankees, what d'ya expect?" -Lauren

"Oh that shot was pretty...pretty like me." -Me

"We make boys cry." -Court and Amanda

"I look expensive, but I'm cheap." -Stiddhartha
"No you don't look expensive, but you are cheap." -Me

"You + me + zoo + pants = no." -Bethie

"Her dad is hot." -Bethie
"He's a...DILF?" -Me

"I know why I need a gun. I'm 5'7" and obnoxious." -Prof. Karlson

"Does everybody know the story of Paul Bunyan?"-Prof. Crews
*some LLM students shake their head*
"He was an eco-terrorist." -Prof. Crews

"It's a gay strip club." -Josh
"Oooh. Let's go see some helicopters." -Amanda

"She's so pretty." -Random woman talking to her husband about a friend they just said good-bye to.
"Thanks I know I am." -Court

"He shit on my bed and he smelled and when we had sex, I had to coach him through doggy-style." -Anon.
"I feel like having a dog would be better. You expect it to smell and shit...and you don't have to teach it doggy-style."-Me

"I wanna go to a strip club, but not a ghetto one." -Amanda
"She wants to go to a clean strip club." -Me

"You're the biggest boobed girl I've ever dated." -Josh to Amanda
"Unfortunately, not for me. She's *pointing to Josh* the biggest boobed girl I've ever dated."-Me to Amanda

"I don't really listen when you talk Manager Josh, but if you're gonna tell on me, I'll deny everything and say you were drunk." -Danielle

"What else did you lie to me about when we were first dating?" -Josh
"I didn't have sex with your mom even though I said I did. I am so funny." -Amanda

"Vrow Vrow. I don't know why my car sounds like a cat." -Me
"Your mom sounded like a cat last night."-Court
"Keep her purring did you?" -Me

"Don't worry. I'll get excited when I see the strippers." -Court

"What's another nickname we could come up with?" -Me
"Fuckstick?"-Court
"I think you can only call a guy a fuckstick if you want nothing more than sex out of him. So I don't think he is one." -Me
"That means Zach is a fuckstick!" -Court

"I don't know who's meaner to me: Amanda or you two." -Josh
"Yeah."-Court
"You mean we're on a level with Amanda. Way to step up our game!" -Me

"Pumpkin Tits. Who wouldn't want to be called PumpkinTits?" -Amanda
"Apparently, Pooh Bear." -Me

"Now that Josh has lost some weight though, I guess we can't call him PumpkinTits. He's more like TomatoTits." -Me

"It's so cold." -Josh
"Your mom was so cold last night."- Court
"Well she was hot when I was with her." -Me

"I want to change my name to 'I Own You'. That way whenever I sign paperwork as a lawyer, it will say 'I Own You' Eichel." -Zeve

"Do you agree men aren't perfect?" -Student
"I absolutely agree. But women, they might be perfect." -Prof. Crews

"What else did I say that was funny?" -Me
"Everything." -Court

"Yay I got my period. I don't have any little hims inside me." -Court

"I was reading your shirt."-David (shirt says England on boobs)
(grabbing boobs) "Read this asshole." -Court

"Me and you are like this (using fingers indicates tight), but me and pedophilia are like this (spreads fingers apart). We're spread like legs." -Me
"You're such a guy and I love it." -Court

"Children are like potato chips to pedophiles. You can't have just one." -Prof. Karlson

"OOOOOhhhhhh Cunt Slap." -Court

"Guess how long it takes Amanda Hendren to make tuna salad?" -Amanda
"I'm gonna say an hour and a half." -Me
"You're so good!" -Amanda

"I can't have bad sex ever again!" -Amanda
"How bad?" -Kate
"Face in pillow, pelvic thrust." -Amanda

"YESHHHH ya are." -Brooke, my 2 yr. old goddaughter